Dear Jeff,
Dear Husband,
Dear the Love of my Life,
Dear My Everything,
I love you. I couldn’t write a whole letter to you without first telling you that much. I know that you know, but you can’t even begin to fathom the extent of my love. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I made you work for something that was never obvious to you. I’m sorry that you had to waste so much time arguing with me, fighting with me, giving yourself to me and having me push you away. I’m sorry. I…I wanted to tell you this to your face. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m a coward, and I always was one. You can shake your head all you want, but I ran when it counted. I ran away from my dad when he needed me the most. I ran from grandpa. I ran from everything. You can say that it was a decision I made for my kids all you want, but it was a mistake. Leaving was a mistake. Playing pretend was a mistake.
But you? You were the only thing I did right in my life. Without you, I wouldn’t be half the person I am today. I wouldn’t have been able to grow. I would have been that same angry, terrified girl who didn’t even want to talk to her sister. I would be lost.
The moment I met you, I gave you hell. I judged you based on the fact that you were human. Secretly, I just hated how comfortable you were. You were so confident, even in a world that obviously wasn’t made for you. You never stopped fighting, when anyone else would have just given up. The moment I knew I was in love with you was when you told me about what happened to your family. I couldn’t even believe that you would open up to me. And then, I told you about my biggest fear. Becoming like my mother. And you wiped my tears away. You told me I wasn’t anything like her, the biggest compliment I could ever receive.
And when I was beaten down, both physically and emotionally, I looked up and you were there. You were there, despite how dangerous it was for you. You were there to pick up the pieces. No, to hand me the pieces and tell me to put myself back together on my own. Because you knew that was what I needed. You let me take charge, or, you let me think I was. All that time, you were the one gluing the pieces back together. But you’d never admit that to me, because I was too damn proud to admit that I needed you. A human.
I told you to let me go. But, you didn’t. You had every right to be disillusioned, hurt, confused. You had every reason to give up on me. But you didn’t. You forced me to listen to you. I wanted to die. You told me that I was everything you ever thought about when you shut your eyes, and I made light of the situation. I couldn’t admit to myself, even then, that I needed you. I needed you more than I knew.
You confused me. You made me feel like I was floating on air, but at the same time, I felt terrible. Terrible that of all people you chose me. Terrible that one day you might wake up and realize I wasn’t the right fit for you. I wasn’t who I said I was. Well, you knew that. You knew I was putting up a front. But you didn’t know that I was just a terrified insecure, vulnerable, self loathing mess. Well, I know now that you did know that, and I was the one who was blind. I was still afraid. I was afraid that you’d figure out I wasn’t who you thought I was. Sometimes I feel like I’m not this beautiful, amazing, intelligent, kick-ass woman that you tell me that I am everyday. But more times than not, I see the way you look at me and I know it’s the truth. You think I hold the world in my eyes. I don’t want to let you down.
You were there when my dad turned on us. Yes, you read that right. I referred to Declan as my dad. He was never my biological father, but he had raised me like he was. The betrayal had come out of nowhere, and the more I think about it, even if he is a rotten human being, he still helped shape who I am today. Before and after, he has made me a stronger person. I have to acknowledge that. But you saw firsthand what that did to me. You saw how destroyed I was. I pushed you away. Used you for the physical pleasure and then ignored you. Because I was afraid. Because I had found out the biggest news of my life and I was once again, you guessed it, terrified. I was terrified because I found out that I was pregnant and I thought you would stay, because you had to. Not because you wanted to.
But once again, you proved me wrong. You were more than accommodating to me. Not through one, but three pregnancies. I neglected you. I didn’t realize how much pain you were in. I didn’t realize that you spent most of your time making sure that I was happy, despite how angry I was at you. I didn’t realize that you were disillusioned. Yet, you still held on. Even when it would have made sense to just let go.
You found my book. The one I had thought you’d never pick up. You were so comfortable around the idea of pregnancy. You had an answer for everything. It makes sense now because of your past life, but I didn’t know it at the time. I just thought that you were perfect. I still think that you’re perfect, but you’ll argue with me on that. The point is, you saw that I was trying. You saw that I wanted to have a family with you. You saw that I didn’t want you to let go.
You proposed. You got down on one knee and told me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Officially. I didn’t have to tell you how much that meant to me. Things got bad in Moonlight Falls. Declan had returned and began to wreak havoc on my our family. My dad was stressed. Everyone had fallen into a state of panic. But there was a light. Erik had proposed to Adeline and they had gotten married. I didn’t want to steal their thunder, and so we decided to keep our announcement under wraps for the time being.
For ten years we were happy just being with each other, and our children. Our beautiful children. The greatest gift besides your love that you have given me.Well, you were happy. I was too! I don’t mean that I wasn’t happy. Just being with you makes me more than happy…I feel complete. I just felt like something was missing. I know it was stupid to want a title, but I wanted to be your wife officially. I wanted a wedding, but more than that, I wanted to be Mrs.Bennett (though, I’m happy that you decided to keep my last name now, instead. It means a lot to me and my family). I had the ring, my most prized material possession but you told me that you thought of me as your wife all along. I mean, we did have a family together. I want to repeat this: I love you. I love you. I love you. Because I know that I don’t say it often enough.
And then, I found out about your past and your connection to Mason. I know you wished that you had never come in contact with him, but without the meddlesome guy I wouldn’t have you. I’m glad that you didn’t destroy our family like he had asked you to. But at the time, I was angry. I had just left my dad alone with a psychopath ruling over his homeland. I was on edge and more than anything, afraid. I told you how I felt, and you were in shock that you had done wrong and I was blaming myself. You told me over and over again that it was not my fault. I wanted our life to be perfect.
We’ve had an amazing lifetime together. More than amazing. I couldn’t be happier to be called your wife. To have three amazing kids with you, and three more that we consider our own. To have met such an incredible human being. Now, I’m asking you to do something for me. I don’t expect this to be easy for you. I don’t expect you to be okay with it. But if you love me, you will do it. That’s a pretty shitty thing to say, isn’t it? As if by you not doing what I ask, I’ll somehow hate you. I won’t. Not ever. But it would mean more than you know to do this for me. Our kids are all grown up. They’ve figured out at least partially what they want to do for their future. With your guidance, they will continue to grow up to be the superstars we know they already are. They will change the world. They will save this dimension. They will do big things. I know it. I wish…I wish things could be different. But I have to ask you…
Please, let me go. I know you said that you never would. But I’m asking…no, begging you to. Please let me go. There is something that I have to do. I don’t know if or when I’ll be coming back. But our daughter needs me now more than ever and I cannot sit back. I know that you want to help, she’s your daughter too. I hate to bring this up, but you’re a human. A damn strong human, but you’re no match for the darkness. Hell, I don’t even know if I am. But I have to try.
You probably put the letter down by now and are searching for me frantically. I’m not there. I’m already gone. I’m sorry for doing this to you one more time. I just wanted us to be happy. Please know that you gave me the best years of my life, and I will never stop thanking you for it. You will be the last thing I think about. Tell Pax and Waverly that I love them. Nerissa, Camilla and Gregg too. I have to fix this. All of it. Never give up on our kids, or this dimension. Train them, teach them, allow them to be the change we so desperately wanted.
I love you.
– Charlotte Gray.
[The ending may or may not be canon]
A Graying World 